Finding My Voice
I created this page several months back and while I was so excited to get the creative juices flowing I was stumped as where to go with it. Although I knew what I wanted the timing was off as everything I had worked so hard to build was falling apart. let me take you back, in 2012 I met a charming man we quickly fell in love got engaged then soon thereafter we were expecting a beautiful baby girl, then when she was 6 months old surprise a baby brother was on the way too. The hubby did seem a bit more stressed than normal and his behavior changed slowly but surely, I brushed it off as so much so fast. We then began the process of building a home and decided I was going to stay at home with the babies relaunch my real estate career after spending several years on the office side of real estate. This was my dream my goal, my bucket list of desires and I knew that this is what God wanted for me it felt right.
The home was complete and we moved in, the moving process was odd to say the least and exhausting which they typically are but this more so than normal. I remember my husband met me at the closing table and his demeanor was so out of character I kept asking him what was wrong, was he ok? Was it nerves did he not want this? He said no no he had too many Red Bulls to try and keep up with the demands of the move. But the papers got signed and the next day we got keys to our brand new home.
Two weeks later this man who had so drastically changed from the man who took me on the most romantic first date I’d ever been on with a sunset dinner cruise, to our second date where he had to carry me up a flight of stairs because a waitress at the restaurant we were at accidentally dropped a glass on the floor and it cut the top of my foot making it extremely painful to walk let alone hop up stairs. This chivalrous caring thoughtful man who looked out for me and laughed with me and would talk to me just to talk. Came to me and said he thought he wanted to quit his job but it was going to be ok he thought he had something else lined up, he was a union man and he could have a job tomorrow. I must say I was a little panicked but I trusted him he would not put our family in jeopardy.
As luck would have it there were a couple things I wanted to do that week in the office so this was perfect he said he would just take the remainder of the week off and enjoy the extra time with the kids. That week turned into seven, seven weeks of him playing Xbox games all night, not coming to bed, he never once slept in our bedroom we just had built together during this time, working on odd projects all over the house constantly in the garage tinkering. Cutting holes in the sheetrock of our brand new home! I was starting to stress out big time and his mood was very nonchalant about the whole thing. Luckily work was really doing well for me to sustain us during that time.
Then the dreaded happened I learned the terrible secret this distant man had been keeping from me for well over a year possibly longer, he was a meth addict. I seeked advice from every source I could find on the internet, from family, close friends. He told me he was done with it and this was no longer an issue. I so wanted to believe him but in my heart of hearts I knew I was just fooling myself. My mom sat down and talked with him and my dad planned a trip to try and see if maybe he could help restore his focus a rehabilitate him since he refused any type of professional treatment and my father is well versed in addiction from both sides of the fence. He ended up staying with us for 7 weeks. His dad also planned a trip to try and talk with him. But in the end it all proved futile.
I saw he seemed to be getting better or at least doing less while everyone was around. Then the fanfare wore down everyone went home and within weeks the same behavior reared its ugly head. He assaulted our dog and couldn’t stand to be around the children. I asked him to take another of a string of at home tests and yet again he failed. This time I told him unless he sought treatment he needed to leave I was not going to lose any of my children because I had a known addict staying in the house. And while there are so many other details to this story I am compelled not to share them all, unfortunately this disease of addiction does not leave the character of the person you love and care for in tact.
He has been gone for well over a month the attorneys have been called he has done very little to offer support to his children and does very little to contact them now.
I write this not for sympathy but for hope and inspiration. And mainly to remind myself to have hope. I have rekindled a friendship with an old friend from high school, she’s actually my first true friend who help build my relationship with God. We talk almost daily now and I am so grateful for her. My other long time friends and family have been super supportive through this as well. I’m praying and having faith in God and his plan. I’ve always been a believer but after my first divorce I really lost my way from him. I honestly feel like this may be my opportunity to make it right. I want my children to know that no matter what this life gives them it will be ok, because God does not promise there will not be heartache and trials he guarantees you there will be. It’s up to you how you handle them and this go around I prefer to try as much grace as possible. I’m not saying I’m not going to have bad days where I’m human but we all need a little grace.
As for the kids father he needs prayers big time, even though I believe for now supervised visits are the way to go man I hope he gets his act together before he regrets it. It sure would be a waste, I speak from experience my 10 year old grew so fast, I’m afraid he’s going to miss out on some of the best parts!
So now I am finding my voice and instead of writing about the fabricated oh so perfect life of I just bought a beautiful house, I’m a fabulous work from home wife and mommie of 3 awesome kids…I’ll be writing about my not so perfect life in my beautiful house with a couple of weirdly placed holes (that’ll have to be fixed soon, conveniently I’ll get to write about them here) I’m still a fabulous work from home mommie of 3 awesome kids, but now I have my journey as newly again single Christ loving shouting from the rooftops can you hear me kind of voice.